I do not enjoy walking,
but when I walk,
I enjoy it.
The smell of honeysuckle
and impending rain
come and go with the breeze.
On a nearby building,
a squirrel moves smoothly along the lowest ledge
like a bushy-tailed, landlocked dolphin.
With no trees leading to the building,
no branches reaching toward the roof,
I wonder how he got there.
Looking around, I see other pedestrians,
none of whom have noticed the wandering rodent.
They are all enjoying the image of the ground
or their phones.
I breathe in the fresh summer air
and watch the squirrel turn
the corner of the roof.
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Two things: 1) this draft, tonally, at least, reminds me of haiku. 2) and this might seem somewhat strange, but I noticed that this draft has exactly 140 syllables—provided I didn’t miscount, and provided you don’t stretch “wandering” to 3 syllables. That said, would you ever consider the sonnetization of this piece? If only to shore up some of the language—the smaller line count demanding tighter, more pertinent phrasings, I’d really consider playing with the form.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I’d also advise against easy associations, things like referring to a squirrel as “bushy-tailed,” which is nearly cliché, or even “the smell of honeysuckle”—the smelling of flowers in general, as well as the term “honeysuckle,” which tends toward the too poetic. If anything, something like this could be assuaged by considering some other possible interaction/observation related to the flower, something closer to your other description of the squirrel—portraying it as a “landlocked dolphin.” Lastly, there are, of course, exceptions, but, generally speaking, I’d watch for words like “pedestrians,” which gobbles up 4 whole syllables—this only an issue if you choose to work within some kind of form—as well as an explicit clunkiness/clichéd tone. Perhaps resulting from a society fat with cars, we're too used to a term like “pedestrian,” or, really, anything one might overhear at or in reference to the DMV. Is there no other way to go about delineating these others the speaker watches as they watch nothing? Maybe even some phrase that might intimate their mild mindlessness—as indicated by the “enjoying the image of the ground / or their phones” comment?