Peer Response 1, Post 5, Week 4 (Makeup Post)

In response to Sheila's "Free Entry Week Four":


I would suggest working on the title for this piece, even if you don't touch it until several drafts later. With a time period of five years, I don't think so much about the seconds ticking away as I do about what has (or could have) happened in that time. It seems like your poem is focused in that was as well, so go with what the poem says and maybe wait to title it until the end. I do that all the time.
I understand that this piece is about your college career, but I think that I only understand that because I know you. To an unknown reader, this looks like just a train of thought. The age of the speaker is ambiguous as well, especially at the beginning. The part about education and grandma being sick, and especially the "What is hospice?" line leads the reader to think of a fairly young speaker, but "Behind on my bills" gives way to an older voice. The end of this piece sounds a little like a personal journal entry or a Facebook status: "Two classes left! / Praying for my new job!" Exclamation marks are rarely used in poetry, and when they are, I've noticed it's usually to emphasize a painful emotion or a surprising discovery. But here it seems once again like a young girl, like at the beginning of the piece.
Overall, I think you have a good idea going. Now it's time to refine and revise it. Good luck!

Peer Review 2, Post 6, Week 2 (Makeup Post)

In response to Jenna's "Week Four - Improv Two, "Female Writer":


Right off the bat, I'm seeing a conflict in tone. The "all mile" and "country man" parts lean toward a serious, minimalist tone (although I might suggest replacing country. It's a bit too general.), but "clowns of the town" makes a strange little rhyme. It also creates a more sing-songy tone than the first half of the line.
The "cursing of sin" is another section I have trouble with. Generally, "sin" would be considered an abstraction, but in the original piece, it works because we get the very specific, unexpected image of the bonbon. In your piece, we're seeing two abstract words back to back with cursing and sin. You talk about walking next to cotton fields. Maybe take something from the field and use it to embody sin, like the little thorns (I don't remember what they're actually called. Nits?) that surround the cotton? That could be interesting to work with.
Toward the end, it gets pretty clunky. Lots of harsh consonants right next to each other make it difficult to read and understand. Also, in the original there is a very specific rhyme scheme that is absent in your piece. It's fine if that's a choice, but I didn't notice it in hers until after the first read, so I figured I would mention it just in case you wanted to work with that as well. Good draft so far!

Peer Review 1, Post 5, Week 2 (Makeup Post)

In response to Sydney's "Free-Write, Week 4":


From the very beginning, I'm noticing a lot of punctuation. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but the punctuation you chose is unusual (semicolons, dashes, etc.), and that brings some (probably) unwanted attention to it. I actually found myself tripped up by it, wondering how long each pause should be. Should a dash or semicolon pause be longer? And then the ellipsis longer than both...you get the point.
The phrase "coma packed with as much action as the wait" is confusing to me. Whose wait? The grandmother's wait to die? The son's wait for mourning? The narrator's wait to leave?
In the middle, you write "good thing his mother couldn't see this tantrum--it would kill her." But isn't that what the narrator wants? Maybe you could change it to "too bad his mother couldn't see..." which would fit with the overall tone of the piece.
I agree with Murph about choosing to write about this subject. It's difficult, but I think you've done a good job so far!