Peer Response 2, Post 7, Week 9

In response to Sheila's "Improv 1, Week 9"


This is a well-done first draft of an improv piece. I think you have some good beginnings here.
What I would suggest is that you take what you've done here and elaborate on it. Improv pieces don't have to be in the exact same format as the original work. Substituting nouns and verbs can be a good generative device, but I think now is the time to start branching it out. You could start with the obvious theme of Thanksgiving. Where did it come from? What sort of feelings (besides thankfulness) does it evoke? What does the weather feel like? What (besides turkey) do you eat? The first stanza is a little contradicting, with the words "involuntary chores" and "preoccupation," the Thanksgiving aspect is contrasted sharply. You could take that approach if you wanted, but it would be pretty dark to talk about forced thankfulness due to a holiday. Good luck!

Peer Response 1, Post 6, Week 9

In Response to Brandy's "Improv 2 Week 9"


At the beginning of the piece, you write "The cafe is / bustling," which is a little cliche. You might try skipping that and just diving right in:
In the cafe,
menus cover
etc. Also, the phrase "possible prospects" is redundant. Prospects implies possibility. So we could turn this into "prospective (somethings)." I would recommend putting a period at the end of the first stanza to avoid an awkward sentence. There are several other places I would recommend this, like "tasseled like a / child's" and "as she / waits for the chime."
The last stanza is a little confusing to me. Who is the person in white? And why is she anticipating their arrival so much? And what is the chime? I want to know more!

Junkyard Quote 4, Post 5, Week 9

"Here, I've got the skin in my bag."

I don't remember the exact circumstances of this one, but I think it was something to do with food. There are countless ways to use this sentence, and it would be interesting to see where they took me.

Junkyard Quote 3, Post 4, Week 9

"I can pull them out and move them as I want to...at least till they lose their sticky."

CNF again. She was talking about how she organizes  her notes for projects with sticky notes.

Junkyard Quote 2, Post 3, Week 9

"Hiding will be seen as an act of aggression."

From one of the early scenes in the new Battlefield 3. I just think it's crazy that something so clearly defensive can be twisted to be "aggressive."

Junkyard Quote 1, Post 2, Week 9

"I would just like to point out that most people consider the dalai lama a moral person. And he is NOT a vegetarian."

I was walking to my car after class today behind two guys and a girl. They were talking about how the United States is using money to save animals that it could be using to save people. As they parted ways, one of the guys shook his cane at the other two and called this out to them.

Free Entry, Post 1, Week 9

I would like to write of this wilderness--
the sun, the birds, the lake, the frogs,
and the landscape that should be photographed.
But what of this panoramic paradise
has not been fleshed out to obesity,
meditated on with enough ink
to fill this lake at night?

I long for the city--
more than the cars and dogs and lights.
I ache for the leak between
my bathroom floor and living room ceiling.
I yearn for the sound of my neighbor's telephone
ringing incessantly, no one or machine
to answer bill collectors, relatives,
and customers looking to burn some green.

I love my almost-green walls--
looming above my faux-hardwood floor,
the single chip in the center
revealing its laminate bones.

I am at home in my two-story box--
electricity, running water, delivery...
and when I die, I hope my casket
is free of silly things like flowers and air
so I may rest in peace.