Free Entry, Post 9, Week 1

This week for my free entry I decided to post the beginnings of a sestina I'm working on. If you don't remember what a sestina is, go here. Anyway, I'm nowhere close to being done, but I'm interested in getting some feedback while it's still early. Let me know what you guys think.

Rainy Day Sestina


I sit sheltered from most of the rain.
I say most because when the wind blows just right,
the water drifts sideways and hits my shoes.
Across the street a girl walks.
Dressed ironically in a sundress, with sandals, yet very pretty,
she holds her head high as she takes her soaking steps.

At last she walks up the building's steps,
finally sheltered as I am from the rain.
She shakes her umbrella, which is pretty
with green and white stripes from left to right.
Continuing her journey, she walks
inside, wiping her shoes

on the mat, but to no avail. The shoes
still squeak loudly with every step.
Here comes a couple walking
by. The perfect gentleman shelters his lady from the rain.
She laughs as a large drop hits his head. "I'll be alright,"
he assures her, and she smiles a pretty

smile.




That's all I've got so far. Comments are appreciated.

Improv 2, Post 8, Week 1

Since I need to work with my descriptive skills, I chose a particularly challenging improv this week: Joe Bolton's "Flamingos".

Flamingos

They must have imagined themselves, we think.

Bursting on the montage of Miami Vice,

They seem less animal than artifice,

Skinny-legged girls all got up in hot pink.

There is no other gaudiness like theirs.

But to consider one alone is heart-

Breaking. They eye cannot bear them apart.

(Even in plastic, they are sold in pairs.)

And yet they're self-contained as Spanish dancers,
Fully seducing themselves, long necks curled

Into question marks for which no answers

Are required. They know they're here to be seen,

To look good against tropical blue-green.

Unreal, they stride into their unreal world.

Zebras

Some standing by the pond, calmly sipping.

Bursting onto the grassy plains,

Others seem to need saddle and reins,

Dalmatian horses with spots all dripping.

There is no other mohawk like theirs.

But to think of one sunburned is to think

of a newspaper. The ink

smudging as much as it dares.

And yet they lack a certain grace,

As a horse who at birth was too long stuck

In a stable. Donkey-like, their half-brays

And half-barks echo across the veld.

God's great smithy saw fit to weld

Black bars round this sitting duck.

Junkyard Quote 4, Post 7, Week 1

"The slug worthy of the salt shaker."

This one is a quote that I actually came up with. My friends ran inside my apartment and asked for salt. Of course, I asked them if there was a slug out there. For those of you who don't know, if you pour salt on a slug, it will dry out and die. They told me there was, and they grabbed the salt and ran back out (I'm not sure why they were in such a hurry. It is a slug, after all.). I followed them outside and saw a tiny slug, barely big enough to fit two grains of salt on. I told them they were wasting their time and that it wouldn't be as cool as they hoped. I told them to wait until they found the slug worthy of the salt shaker. After re-thinking this phrase, it could be used as a metaphor for pretty much anything. Maybe it will turn up in a piece.

Peer Response 2, Post 6, Week 1

In response to Emmanuel's free entry this week:

First of all, I admire you for being able to write a piece about yourself (if it is indeed about you). I'm usually too nervous to do that. I think you have some great ideas in this piece. For example, your last six lines are amazing. I'm interested in the image of scorched feet. How did they become scorched? Or is scorched a symbol for something else entirely? You have a lot of room to play with this image, and I would go for it. One piece of advice that I would give is not to try to be so formal. "In order to classify oneself" and "...But, who are they/ to tell me who they are/ unless they have experienced/ a discovery of some type" are a little vague and awkwardly removed from the rest of the piece. Overall, though, good work. I enjoyed reading it.

Peer Response 1, Post 5, Week1

In response to MacKenzie's improv post based on "A Mown Lawn":

I really like that you chose to improv with this piece. In fact, I chose the same one for my first improv. I must say it was a little harder than I expected. "Financial accounting" is a tough phrase to play with. There are so many syllables that it is difficult to manipulate into anything else. I think you did a good job with your descriptions, like "...the ancient Sumerians gargling marbles," along with "a basketball pump...the handle pulled up, sucking away". I think the ending is interesting as well, since in the original piece, she extended the wordplay further in the last phrase. However, I think your ending works well too. One suggestion I would make is to not rely so heavily on the original piece, especially at the beginning. Your original ideas are where the strength lies in this piece. Work more with them while just keeping the idea of the original. Good work!

Junkyard Quote 3, Post 4, Week 1

"Sometimes I don't bathe on Sundays and then I go to Target just to see them looking at me."

This was actually from one of my professors. We were talking about feeling judged when we go to the store on Sunday and we clearly didn't go to church. Our professor said she does it just to make them angry, and then she came up with this gem. I thought it was hilarious, and we warned her that she might be quoted. Luckily, she was okay with it.

Junkyard Quote 2, Post 3, Week 1

"Got my little fuckin' harmonica."

Watching a documentary about medicinal marijuana growth in California, I happened upon this line. One of the characters, called "Yellow" for anonymity, was talking about how growing marijuana isn't easy, but he enjoys his life. I think what got me with this line was the way he said it as well as the fact that this burly, tough guy was into playing the harmonica. It's not quite what I had envisioned for him. I think that the colors used to identify the people in the documentary could also be a fun aspect to play with.

Imitation 1, Post 2, Week 1

I love the sound of words and experimenting with the way a word sounds and fits with other words, so I decided to post a very early draft of an imitation of "A Mown Lawn" by Lydia Davis.

A Mown Lawn

She hated a mown lawn. Maybe that was because mow was the reverse of wom, the beginning of the name of what she was--a woman. A mown lawn had a sad sound to it, like a long moan. From her, a mown lawn made a long moan. Lawn had some of the letters of man, though the reverse of man would be Nam, a bad war. A raw war. Lawn also contained the letters of law. In fact, lawn was a contraction of lawman. Certainly a lawman could and did mow a lawn. Law and order could been seen as starting from lawn order, valued by so many Americans. More lawn could be made using a lawn mower. A lawn mower did make more lawn. more lawn was a contraction of more lawmen. Did more lawn in America make more lawmen in America? Did more lawn make more Nam? More mown lawn made more long moan, from her. Or a lawn mourn. So often, she said, Americans wanted more mown lawn. All of America might be one long mown lawn. A lawn not mown grows long, she said: better a long lawn. Better a long lawn and a mole. Let the lawman have the mown lawn, she said. Or the moron, the lawn moron.

Stichic

Stichic doesn't mean quite what she thought. Maybe it's because her mind transformed it to sty chic, which is when Wilbur wears a patterned scarf and rain boots. When models bid each other farewell, perhaps they say stay chic. Stay sty chic, the pigs would say. Sty chick would be a sow. Stay sty chic, chick. Stick chic is hippie style, closely associated with tree chic. True tree chic chicks love the earth and the life around them. Maybe the sty chic chicks should throw a party with the tree chic chicks. I'm sure it would be trè chic.

Junkyard Quote 1, Post 1, Week 1

"It's a funky beat in there. We tryin' to catch it."

This quote was from a friend of mine. She is a percussionist at UWG, and another friend was asking why the part she and her fellow bass drummers had wasn't sounding right. I thought this quote was interesting because I never would have thought to say it like this. If he had asked me what was going on, I would have just said, "We're not all on the same page," or, "That part is a little weird." The image of trying to catch a beat that's "funky" is hilarious to me. I see a musician in tails in a spotlight leaping off the floor in an attempt to wrangle the errant sixteenth notes floating off the paper wall complete with a painted-on musical staff. It's quite original, and I never would have come up with it without Diamond and Luther.