Peer Response 2, Post 7, Week 11

In response to Brandy's "Improv 2 Week 11":


The first stanza in this piece is definitely striking, especially with all the repetition. I would suggest slightly reworking it to even out the sound of it for the reader. Something like, "I am on the wrong side,
of the road,
of town,
I am in the wrong,
in the unfamiliar."
This gets everything repeated two times and it reads a little more easily (in my opinion).
You talk a lot about color in this piece, more than you talk about yin and yang. I would either change the title or work to incorporate it a little more throughout the piece. I know that you mention two men who are opposite, but I would still like to see more of the yin/yang aspect. I was originally drawn to this draft because of the title, so if that's what you choose to change, then I think you should explore that concept in another draft. It doesn't have to be about murder or people or anything in particular. Just objects that seem totally different but in the end are the same.

Peer Response 1, Post 6, Week 11

In response to Emmanuel's "Improvisation 1, Week 11":

This is a pretty dark piece, I must say, but it's very interesting. I think this is about a girl who died from domestic abuse. If that's wrong, disregard most of what I say in this comment.
In the first stanza, you wrote "...a ring / that was slipped on her finger / at one time till death did her / and the husband apart."
I know you're trying to get across to us that this is her wedding ring, but if you're going to use the idea of "until death do you part," there needs to be something shocking or unexpected with it. Did she know it would happen? If the husband killed her (which is what I think based on the draft), then he "did them part." That could be an interesting angle to look at.
One part that struck me as awkward was the end of the fist stanza: "The dirt now lay around / and under her nails, in her nostrils, / wiped upon her face marks the date." You have two verbs in this sentence (lay and marks) and they are in two different tenses. Either get rid of one or add another subject to smooth this portion out.
Be careful of brand names. Band-Aid is an actual brand. If you don't want to talk about a specific brand, you should use "bandages" instead. Also, the word "gauge" seems like it should be "gauze," and "unhealable" is awkward and sounds a little more juvenile than the rest of the piece.
If I were you, I would get rid of the couplet at the end. I know it was part of the original piece, but an improvisation doesn't have to match up exactly. If something doesn't work for your draft, you have the freedom to get rid of it altogether. I think this is a good draft so far. Looking forward to seeing what you do with it from here.

Free Entry, Post 5, Week 12

Fall (This is just a working title. Suggestions would be appreciated.)

And in the end of summer,
all the greedy trees
have crammed too many leaves
onto their branches,
flaunting like monochromatic peacocks.
The leaves turn
yellow, orange, red,
warning the trees to stop
and be satisfied,
but they keep
snatching, stocking, sprouting,
until they lose their grip on
the first leaf.
Swirling down some unseen drain,
the leaf spins until it rests
and blends with the dead grass.
the perennial willows weep along
as a child does when his mother,
in an effort to save a single falling cookie,
drops the entire dozen,
burning her hand
and standing the entire winter,
hand in mouth,
blinking back tears.

Junkyard Quote 4, Post 4, Week 11

"...and lose these Death-handles."

This is from Metalocalypse. I don't remember the rest of the quote, but it's not important. I just thought the idea of "death handles" instead of love handles was interesting.

Junkyard Quote 3, Post 3, Week 11

"And we think we're so open-minded, until we get there. And then we're like, 'Whoa. We're not.'"

I was on the escalator in the mall and these two guys were behind me. They were dressed in bright, rebellious colors with beanies and big thick glasses. It was interesting to overhear them having their tiny revelation.

Junkyard Quote 2, Post 2, Week 11

"I don't need your help. I can die on my own."

I was arguing with my boyfriend about video games when I said this. He kept trying to help me, but every time I would do what he said, I would die. So I told him to leave me alone. It didn't go over so well, but it got me a junkyard quote.

Junkyard Quote 1, Post 1, Week 11

"The only thing Chinese about me is I enjoy a good duck. And I cough with my mouth open."

I was waiting at the bus stop today and a guy walked up talking extremely loudly. It was echoing in the tiny glass box and giving me a headache. He proceeded to tell his friends to go to the airport where they would see Asian people coughing with mouths uncovered and being generally "unhygenic," as he called it.