Peer Response 1, Post 5, Week 4 (Makeup Post)

In response to Sheila's "Free Entry Week Four":


I would suggest working on the title for this piece, even if you don't touch it until several drafts later. With a time period of five years, I don't think so much about the seconds ticking away as I do about what has (or could have) happened in that time. It seems like your poem is focused in that was as well, so go with what the poem says and maybe wait to title it until the end. I do that all the time.
I understand that this piece is about your college career, but I think that I only understand that because I know you. To an unknown reader, this looks like just a train of thought. The age of the speaker is ambiguous as well, especially at the beginning. The part about education and grandma being sick, and especially the "What is hospice?" line leads the reader to think of a fairly young speaker, but "Behind on my bills" gives way to an older voice. The end of this piece sounds a little like a personal journal entry or a Facebook status: "Two classes left! / Praying for my new job!" Exclamation marks are rarely used in poetry, and when they are, I've noticed it's usually to emphasize a painful emotion or a surprising discovery. But here it seems once again like a young girl, like at the beginning of the piece.
Overall, I think you have a good idea going. Now it's time to refine and revise it. Good luck!