Peer Response 2, Post 7, Week 11

In response to Brandy's "Improv 2 Week 11":


The first stanza in this piece is definitely striking, especially with all the repetition. I would suggest slightly reworking it to even out the sound of it for the reader. Something like, "I am on the wrong side,
of the road,
of town,
I am in the wrong,
in the unfamiliar."
This gets everything repeated two times and it reads a little more easily (in my opinion).
You talk a lot about color in this piece, more than you talk about yin and yang. I would either change the title or work to incorporate it a little more throughout the piece. I know that you mention two men who are opposite, but I would still like to see more of the yin/yang aspect. I was originally drawn to this draft because of the title, so if that's what you choose to change, then I think you should explore that concept in another draft. It doesn't have to be about murder or people or anything in particular. Just objects that seem totally different but in the end are the same.