Peer Review 2, Post 6, Week 2 (Makeup Post)

In response to Jenna's "Week Four - Improv Two, "Female Writer":


Right off the bat, I'm seeing a conflict in tone. The "all mile" and "country man" parts lean toward a serious, minimalist tone (although I might suggest replacing country. It's a bit too general.), but "clowns of the town" makes a strange little rhyme. It also creates a more sing-songy tone than the first half of the line.
The "cursing of sin" is another section I have trouble with. Generally, "sin" would be considered an abstraction, but in the original piece, it works because we get the very specific, unexpected image of the bonbon. In your piece, we're seeing two abstract words back to back with cursing and sin. You talk about walking next to cotton fields. Maybe take something from the field and use it to embody sin, like the little thorns (I don't remember what they're actually called. Nits?) that surround the cotton? That could be interesting to work with.
Toward the end, it gets pretty clunky. Lots of harsh consonants right next to each other make it difficult to read and understand. Also, in the original there is a very specific rhyme scheme that is absent in your piece. It's fine if that's a choice, but I didn't notice it in hers until after the first read, so I figured I would mention it just in case you wanted to work with that as well. Good draft so far!