Bonsai
Billy Collins
All it takes is one to throw a room
completely out of whack.
Over by the window
it looks hundreds of yards away,
a lone stark gesture of wood
on that distant cliff of a table.
Up close, it draws you in,
cuts everything down to its size.
Look at it from the doorway,
and the world dilates and bloats.
The button lying next to it
is now a earl wheel,
the book of matches is a raft,
and the coffee cup a cistern
to catch the same rain
that moistens its small plot of dark, mossy earth.
For it even carries its own weather,
leaning away from a fierce wind
that somehow blows
through the calm tropics of this room.
The way it bends inland at the elbow
makes me want to inch my way
to the very top of its spiky greenery,
hold onto for dear life
and watch the sea storm rage,
hoping for a tiny whale to appear.
I want to see her plunging forward
through the troughs,
tunneling under the foam and spindrift
on her annual, thousand-mile journey.
Fountain
Casey LaRue
All it takes is one to fill and swell
an entire room.
Over on the end table
its light bends through the flow
and dances on the lampshade
next to a long-burnt bulb.
Up close, its water sounds like an audience softly clapping,
blinking and choking
and smiling they nod,
each sending silent love to their children.
As the actors rush out
for the curtain call,
They join hands and bow,
Looking at their parents' faces in the tile.
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Casey,
ReplyDeleteI think the draft does well in terms of being an example of good writing, by way of presenting some pretty concrete images. However, I wonder if this piece isn't too closely related to the original. I know the draft is an improvisational piece, but I think there needs to be more creative material; and maybe more "fleshing" out the ideas in the draft.
I say this, because I'm not all too sure I understand exactly what is taking place within the draft, or why. There isn't much background information or even really present information given for the readership. I think, however, this is a relatively simple fix. I know you are a strong writer, so I don't doubt for a minute that you would be able to easily go back and tweak some of these things.
Nonetheless, I think this whole idea of acting and children performing on stage is a really interesting concept, and I wonder what 'Fountain' has to do with it? Again, maybe just try fleshing out these ideas more. :)