At Thirty-three
Hans Magnus Enzensberger
It was all so different from what she'd expected.
Always those rusting Volkswagens.
At one time she'd almost married a baker.
First she read Hesse, then Handke.
Now often she does crosswords in bed.
With her, men take no liberties.
For years she was a Trotskyist, but in her own way.
She's never handled a ration card.
When she thinks of Kampuchea she feels quite sick.
Her last lover, the professor, always wanted her to beat him.
Greenish batik dresses, always too wide for her.
Greenflies on her Sparmannia.
Really she wanted to paint, or emigrate.
Her thesis, Class Struggles in Ulm 1500
to 1512, and References to Them in Folksong:
Grants, beginnings, and a suitcase full of notes.
Sometimes her grandmother sends her money.
Tentative dances in her bathroom, little grimaces,
cucumber juice for hours in front of the mirror.
She says, whatever happens I shan't starve.
When she weeps she looks nineteen.
At Twenty-three
Casey LaRue
It was all so different from what she'd expected.
Only one wheezing Ford for the two of them.
At one time she was almost engaged.
First she tried teaching, then writing.
Now she just tries for a paper.
Not enough men attempt to satisfy her.
One man convinced her to tithe, but she did not sing.
Her family makes sure she doesn't starve.
When she thinks of the Middle East she draws a blank.
Her last lover, the drunk, always wanted her to cry.
Blue jeans and T-shirts, the only clothes that can keep up.
She can only grow a cactus.
Really she wanted to sing, or surf.
Her major, Mass Communications with
a minor in English, her native tongue.
Grades, drafts, and a box of rejections.
Sometimes her grandmother sends her apples.
Fake ballet in the living room, a cat and a dog,
crying for hours in front of the mirror.
She says, whatever happens I will keep my heart.
When she giggles she sounds like a child.
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LaRue--this is easily my favorite of yours this semester. Who doesn't want to know abou someone who "can only grow a cactus," whose "gradnmother sends her apples," who "just tries for paper." My main suggestion would be to be a little more unique--the three I just said are intruiging, but a few fall a little flat: "blue jeans a t-shirts, the only clothes that can keep up" and "She says, whatever happens I will keep my heart," for example. And a couple make me want to know more to the point of distraction: "Only one wheezing Ford between the two of them" (which two? Who?) and "Fake ballet in the living room," for example--don't cut these, just give us more. Now that you have the Improv done, expand on it. Not too much, because the simplification of a person's life to all of these one- or two-line details is sorta cool, but we do still need more.
ReplyDeleteI would have to agree with Jenna on this one, easily my favorite of your work thus far. I would also agree with Jenna as far as working to spice up a few of the flatter lines in the piece, but that's a simple fix. Although this draft is an improvisation, I think you should continue revising and expanding until the piece becomes entirely your own- separate from the original. I suggest this because I think you have a heaping amount of interesting material, that's your own, that could use more fleshing out, more background information and description, etc... For instance, this draft catches my attention because of the character. I want to know more about the character's life, about the character's personality, even about the man she was almost engaged to. No doubt, I'm jealous of all the awesome material. Revision, please? :)
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