Turkey in the Rain
Casey LaRue
The monstrous gobbler gives
nervous focus to the forest
and dances to disencumber his down coat.
Shake
Shake
A flip of the feathers, and
Adam's ale explodes like
small spiraling short-lived fireworks.
Shake
Shake
His snood and wattle waggle
around his fowl face,
brutally battering beak and eye.
Shake
Shake
Precipitation plummets and
he stares, spellbound,
at Heaven's broth, blocking his breath and
Glug
Glug
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First of all, Casey, let me say that I think you did a splendid job of writing this poem at Dr. Davidson's request. This poem contains some interesting language and concrete images such as "Adam's ale explodes," "brutally battering beak and eye," and precipitation plummets." You play on different sounds nicely throughout which help to make me feel that I am like a turkey myself standing out in the rain such as "shake," "wattle waggle," "plummets," and "glug." This draft uses repetition throughout except for the ending which uses a different word (glug), but it is still repeated within its own frame. I think this makes a nice sound effect for an ending to a draft that uses different phonetics. My only advice would be to be cautious about getting too sing-songy in future drafts with some phrases such as "Heaven's broth, blocking." Overall, I think this a well-written draft and look forward to seeing future drafts of this.
ReplyDeleteAs Emmanuel previously commented, hats off to you for writing "Turkey in the Rain"... and doing so fashionably. One component of the draft I enjoy is the way the sounds, the rhetoric, generates and carries the movement of each line. What's more, I think you have done a fascinating job with allowing language and sound show the image- without overdoing, or being too telling. Also, the odd pairing of diction adds charisma, an alluring element, to the draft; so the piece is no longer just about "a turkey in the rain." On a different note, the last stanza and the final frame seems a little off beat from the rest of the draft- not solely because the repeated is different. The final stanza almost seems a little too overdone, more so the ending line of the stanza... something about "Heaven's broth" (as I think Emmanuel also commented on) that doesn't seem fitting. Nonetheless, I think you did an awesome job- taking on the task well.
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