Peer Response 1, Post 6, Week 9

In Response to Brandy's "Improv 2 Week 9"


At the beginning of the piece, you write "The cafe is / bustling," which is a little cliche. You might try skipping that and just diving right in:
In the cafe,
menus cover
etc. Also, the phrase "possible prospects" is redundant. Prospects implies possibility. So we could turn this into "prospective (somethings)." I would recommend putting a period at the end of the first stanza to avoid an awkward sentence. There are several other places I would recommend this, like "tasseled like a / child's" and "as she / waits for the chime."
The last stanza is a little confusing to me. Who is the person in white? And why is she anticipating their arrival so much? And what is the chime? I want to know more!