Peer Response 1, Post 5, Week 8

In response to Sheila's free entry:


I like the intention of this piece. It's a little like the object poems we did for our calisthenics this week. In the first and second lines, though, there is a question and a seemingly unrelated dependent clause followed by a period. The second line could also be rearranged to get those difficult "l" sounds away from each other (the grass growing like a green skyline beneath).
The third line seems awkward with "not awake" thrown at the bottom. Again, try to rearrange it to make it more interesting (The cold red lever slept facing the ground).
The questions in the fourth line are confusing because there hasn't been a time set up, so we don't know to be expecting the mailman.
The word "dispatch" typically refers to something being sent out rather than received. I believe that it's okay to use plain language in poetry sometimes, and I think this would be an instance where it would work.
The last four lines shift away from the subject with no obvious reason or connection. I would work on creating something to lead the reader logically from point A to point B. Good early draft.